After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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