Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
