obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Randomize
