I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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