id be glad to
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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