My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
