Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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