Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
