It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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