Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
