My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
