woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
