Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
