ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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