saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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