seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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