I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
