I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
