Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
