he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
