Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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