So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
