I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
