so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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