I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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