I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
