Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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