She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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