i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Pants are for mortals
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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