My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
