"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
