Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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