I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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