i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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