Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
