So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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