You smell like a Billy Joel song
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
