Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
