no, he came in my armpit
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize