Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
