Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
