I'm so fucking centered right now
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
