It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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