just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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