THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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