I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
