My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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