I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
