the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
