i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
