do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
