i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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