I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
