They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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