apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
