Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
