Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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