I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
